Sunday, November 28, 2010

Yes, Willow called Sarkozy a "dick-smoker," but he started it

Well God bless the lamestream media for jumping all over this latest ridiculous thing where my daughter Willow said a few unfortunate things on Facebook about the prime minister of France. Forget that it's not even fair for the media to be picking on a kid who isn't a public figure but of course there they are, combing through her Facebook page and treating all of it like it's public information, and suddenly now this is huge headline news everywhere that my daughter called the leader of France a bad word. Of course most of the stories don't mention the fact that Willow was responding to weeks and weeks of taunting by Sarkozy (aka "So Crazy" as we call him) and she was just sick and tired of this weird old man making fun of our family and especially because he was saying some incredibly hateful things about Willow's brother Trig and she just got to that point where the baby grizzly has to rear up on her big back legs and let out a roar. But as I've told Willow, these are the people we have to deal with now and this is the kind of garbage that is getting thrown at us all of the time and we're all just kind of getting used to it at this point, and she and all of us need to take the high road and ignore these creepy older men who are probably just doing things like this because they derive some kind of sick pleasure from making a teenage girl angry and when you use a filthy word this is how they get their kicks and he'd probably love it even more if she'd get on Skype in her underwear and call him names. And of course when you're the parent of a special needs kid you get this all the time but honestly it never gets any easier and Todd says if Sarkozy dares to come anywhere near our kids again he'll beat the guy to a pulp and I couldn't blame him.

Secretary of State Rich Iott and his team have been dispatched to North Korea with a hammer and a snowglobe

In the snowglobe there is a miniature version of Pyongyang, and Rich and his team (at right) are going to tell Kim Jong the Second that he can either knock it off with this reckless, crazy aggression, or we will show him what reckless, crazy aggression really looks like -- and then Rich will smash the snowglobe with the hammer, for dramatic effect, and our guys will walk out. That's it. No negotiations. No bringing in the Chinese so they can appease and appease and appease along with Obama and Pelosi and Reid. The North Koreans get 24 hours to comply with our demands and totally dismantle their entire nuclear arsenal and allow us to establish a U.S.-led transition government in their country, or we launch preemptive nuclear strikes and level the place. Because honestly, I'm tired of this tinpot tyrant with his crazy hair and his insane threats. Up in Alaska we have a name for people like Kim Jong the Second. We call them bullies, and we know that the only way to deal with them is to shut them down right away, like Rudy Giuliani did with those squeegee men in New York all those years ago. So, pull up your man pants, Kim Jong the Second, because we're sick of your act, and we've got important work to do on behalf of the American people and don't have time to waste on you. You can kick and scream all you want, but the long-range bombers are already in the air, and I'm sitting beside the red phone with a Bible in one hand and a glass of bourbon in the other. Your call.